Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, mostly enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, but I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners again.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men have open relationships, yet from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle different types of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter someone offering a life-changing chance to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
