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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It frustrates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that professional help might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or exposure, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This approach will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.